Who am I? The Real Me

Who am I? The Real Me

People often ask others on the phone who they are. Normally, this is responded to with their name. Now think about yourself. Ask yourself who you are. Most people go through their whole lives trying to find the answer to that question. I will often tell people I am a confident person and that I know who I am. As I ask myself this question, I am not sure how to respond.

I know I am not the same person I was when I was younger. I have changed so much or over the years and I am still going through a metamorphosis right now. I was a very shy child growing up. I always had the best manners and would speak when spoken to. Inside, I was like the spawn of Satan. I did not like anyone and viewed everyone as a threat. I was afraid of being hurt and would not allow myself to be vulnerable. I did not have any friends when I was little. I grew to a place where I did not dislike everyone. I had a lot of love to give but no one to give it to. I remember confessing to my parents how sad I was that I did not have any friends. I could tell this made them sad too. They told me that I needed to not be so shy and be more outgoing.

When I became a teenager, I opened up. Some may say I was too open. I wore skimpy clothes and a lot of makeup. I developed a thick skin and was not afraid to tell people exactly what I thought. It was an enormous transformation from my personality when was younger. I had long blonde hair, fair skin, and a toned body. Boys wanted me and I knew it. I would use this to my advantage. I was also very depressed but rarely showed it. I felt as though all my sadness, hurt, and anger would get trapped inside me. The only way I could release it would be to cut myself. I also did this to enhance my pain tolerance. If anyone tried to hurt me, I would be sure I could ignore it and block the pain.

Then I started going to church. I tried to become the stereotypical innocent church-going girl. I dressed modestly and was very quite. It was as if I had fallen back into my former self. I recall someone I know recollecting the first time they saw me at church. The church I attend is mostly contemporary. The first time I attended was on a Wednesday night for supper. I recall looking around at all the elderly people and they were dressed up nicely. I was wearing a sweater and a modest skirt. All of a sudden, I see a boy walk in with a huge mohawk, pierced ear, chains, and wearing flip flops. I was shocked. I had never seen anything like that especially in a church before. I asked “What is that?” I wanted so badly to meet him and I did. I thought he was insane. As time passed on, I wanted to get closer to him but it did not seem possible. I forced myself to be more outgoing and now that boy is one of my best friends.

The person I am now is a blend of these things. I am shy but also honest. I get depressed like everyone but I put it into poetry instead of hurting myself. I am a confident person who is also insecure about some things. I realize the thing I love most in my life is the love. I have such a variety of friends. Some are shy and innocent while others are sex addicts. I seem to fit into both groups. As odd as that is, I find it to be a gift. Today, I made some new friends. All of them are different from each other as well; one girl in particular. This girl I have been intimidated b y all semester long. I did want to get to know her. She is a good friend of one of my best friends so I figured if he thinks so highly over, she can not be that bad. Today, she was sitting at our lunch table and some of us were discussing Christmas and Santa Clause. We were saying how none of us had a fireplace and she mentioned she did and that we should all come over and hang out at her house around Christmas time. After that, we carried on a long conversation over french fries, which she shared with me and others. I feel like I am still molding myself into who I want to be. The things I like best about myself are my heart and protectiveness. Once I love you, I will fight tooth to nail for you. You have my complete loyalty. I realize I still have trust issues. It takes a while for me to completely trust someone. I am always cautious in my relationships. At times, I wish I were more trusting; other times I am glad I am not so that I will not be deceived easily as others may be. So who am I? I am an eighteen year old freshman at Macon State College who is still trying to find herself. I am a girl, a friend to many, and at time motherly.It is a scary journey to have to go through. I am always question things and most of the time the thing I question most is myself and my motives. I also know I have a safety net. I know through it all I will have my loved ones by my side. Something that frightens me is when I have to transfer colleges for Physical Therapy. I know I will not have my family and friends in whatever state I move to but I know I will when I come home. As long as I have love and I am loved, I am content with the person I am.